Episode 83: Pursuing the Good Life with Cole Bershback

🎶 Podcast Intro: Welcome to the pursuing uncomfortable podcast, where we give you the encouragement you need to lean into the uncomfortable stuff life puts in front of you, so you can love your life. If you are ready to overcome all the yuck that keeps you up at night, you're in the right place. I am your host, Melissa Ebken let's get going. 🎶

🎶 Episode Intro:   Hi friend. Let's welcome Cole to the pursuing uncomfortable podcast. She joins us to talk about her biggest passion in life, supporting families as they grow their family dynamics and relationships. She survived a nearly fatal car crash and has a passion and purpose for life. Let's welcome her to the podcast.  🎶

Episode: 
Melissa Ebken  0:02  
Cole Berschback Welcome to the Pursuing Uncomfortable Podcast. How are you today?

Cole Berschback  0:07  
I am great, Melissa, how are you? 

Melissa Ebken  0:09  
I'm fantastic. This is gonna be fun. I'm really glad we have this opportunity to chat. Tell us where you're coming from today.

Cole Berschback  0:19  
I live in the great state of Wisconsin. I've been in the Midwest my whole life. And yeah, here with my husband and three kiddos.

Melissa Ebken  0:27  
Yeah, awesome. I am in central Illinois. So we're both on the same timezone. And I don't often get to speak with someone who lives quote unquote, so close.

Cole Berschback  0:39  
I know, right?

Melissa Ebken  0:42  
The world has gotten much different perspective and scope. Yeah, absolutely. Cole, tell us a little bit about what you do. 

Cole Berschback  0:52  
So I have a few little tricks up my sleeve, I work as both a yoga instructor and a coach. And these have been a really beautiful pairing for me, because one of my deepest held beliefs is that like, we have to start with the body. And so getting to teach yoga and Pilates is a beautiful way to get people in their bodies. But then the work beyond that, for me really resides in the family. I really believe that when somebody is willing to do the internal work themselves that something completely different becomes available for them. But then when a group of people are doing that together, something really magical can unfold, it ends up being almost like an exponential growth rather than like a one plus one plus one situation. So that's really the work I aim to support is yes, the individual work of moms and dads and peoples who really want to show up in their families. But then how that kind of spills over into the whole family life and family dynamic.

Melissa Ebken  1:55  
You know, there's a lot of evidence, both anecdotal and empirical that would support what you do. Mother Teresa liked to say, how do you change the world? You go home and love your family.

Cole Berschback  2:06  
I know it's one of my favorite quotes. 

Melissa Ebken  2:08  
Yeah, and I do a lot of family emotional systems work emotional intelligence work, building on Marie Bowens original work in the 60s and 70s, and the Enneagram. And all of those things are born out of those earliest relationships we have in our families. So there's so much that molds us and shapes us in that space. And if we can love the people we know the most and who know us the most and know how to push our buttons. Yeah. We could probably do that outside of our families. Yes, exactly. Exactly. So how did you get to this point? What's What's the backstory Cole?

Cole Berschback  2:54  
You know, there's, it's been kind of a windy road, honestly, to this point. What I knew from the beginning was that I had a really strong interest in health and wellness, I was an athlete in high school I knew even as like a freshman or a sophomore in high school that I wanted to be a dietician. And early in my college experience, I was already studying nutrition and exercise science. But you know, one of the most significant life events that I've experienced was I was hit by a drunk driver and had a whole bunch of injuries and surgeries and missed a semester of school. And, you know, it felt like my life had exploded. But it turned out to be one of the most like important gifts that I've ever received to really be able to have a hard experience that showed me that I needed to start doing the work. And to be able to start doing that as a 19 year old rather than a 40-50-60 year old honestly, has been one of the most important things that has ever happened to me. But then I had a family young I, my husband and I wanted to have kids right away. My first son was born when I was 24. And I had always wanted to be a mother. And I became a mother. And it felt so so so different than I was expecting. And I felt like every day I not failed. I just never felt like I was my best in that. And that was heartbreaking to me, because family was the most important thing. And so I spent several years working in a diet as a dietitian in a hospital, and then stayed home for a few years to raise my babies and was getting to a point where I was ready to get back into working and again, supporting health and wellness and I just didn't think I could go back to disease management. Not that that's not super important work. It just wasn't where my heart was. And because of just the nature of having a young family and having this interest and having an interest in doing the work myself, my brother and I were having this back and forth conversation of okay, this is awesome. Like we want to do the where if we want to be healthy, we want to work out, we want to do all these things, but not at the expense of our family, we want to do them in collaboration and with, with the family being the thing that's going to thrive the most by us doing this. And so that's, you know, kind of a long and winding path that led us to this place where we started doing coaching work and, you know, giving these resources from people beyond ourselves from, you know, therapists and occupational therapists and school teachers and other people that can help support a family on full being in a really organic, thriving way. Rather than doing the work at the expense. Like as if the family is the obstacle. So it's been a windy path. That's how we got here.

Melissa Ebken  5:47  
And, and it's beautiful work, you do. Thanks. So thank you for that. Yeah. Love it. You know, you just Oh, yeah, I got hit by a drunk driver. And then I went and did this and then did that. Well, what did she really say that? Yeah, you got hit by a drunk driver at 19?

Cole Berschback  6:06  
Yes, yeah, I, you know, it was really interesting, because I was hit head on at highway speed, I really had absolutely no business, even surviving that accident. But that was actually where the spark of something really powerful came from. Because I was clear that something else must have been at play, for me to live and survive through that, like, there had to be a greater purpose. And so I mean, I'm not gonna say it was an easy road to recovery. My my body took years to recover from that experience. And there's, you know, still times that that is present for me that, you know, there's my body is different than it was before that. And but it really took the hardest part of the work was digging into the internal escape. How do I let that go? How do I start to have more forgiveness and more love? How do I start to connect to a deeper meaning and purpose in my life? Because otherwise, what am I here for? I could have easily been gone that day. Right? And so yeah, I mean, I, I am more aware of that now than ever that I can kind of like breeze past that as an experience. But the most important part of healing from that for me is to hold it a little bit more loosely, rather than as something that's so mine, and it's so my suffering, and it was my thing to get through. And having a lighter touch with it has been a really important part of moving through it and pass it and becoming stronger and better for having experienced it.

Melissa Ebken  7:48  
I think forgiveness work is an often overlooked superpower. Most significant transformation can come from that work of forgiveness. That's a belief that that I hold very closely. And the fact that you were able to do that, and and then the event that has come to you in many ways, shape. And I don't want to say define I think you define your own life and purpose, but it had a powerful impact on it. Can you talk a little bit about what it took to do that forgiveness work?

Cole Berschback  8:25  
Yeah, so I mean, there were a few things that happened right out of the gate that, like started it organically without me having to necessarily think about it. Number one, I had a pretty strong faith before that happened. And I just, I never believed that the intention was for me to somehow hold this other person, as my enemy like that just did not feel like the right path to even start down. But the person who hit me died in the accident, and I just did not think that it that I could hold a grudge or hold somebody so deeply at fault when they weren't even there. But it just it felt really far away to do that. And then, I mean, this was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced but in the hospital, the person who hit me was a divorced person, but he had four young children. And they along with his ex wife and mother came to my bedside and apologized to me for what had happened. And how could I not say I, such brave people and you know what it was? I've often like wondered like, How can I find them? How can I connect with them and let them know like all is well? How do I you know repay you for giving me that gift that you gave when I was you know, really in a hard place in a hospital bed. But something about that was such a important gift for them to give me that I just it almost like over flowed like I can't. You said I'm sorry. And I accepted that. And so if I'm not going to accept that, then I'm going to hold it, and I'm going to keep it. But if, if I do accept it, then I truly accept it. And so that started. And then I think one of the most important things that happened, as I continued down that path of healing and forgiveness was that at some point, I realized that I am an imperfect person as well, not that I, that wasn't the first time I had realized that. But the realization finally came to me that if I am able to stand with myself and say, I love myself as I am, then what I have to say to the spirit of that person is that I love you too. In your imperfection, I still have love for you, it's almost hard to like get that out without getting emotional, because it's that was hard to come to a place where what I had to say, to really kind of almost like a figment of my imagination. I don't know what this person looked like I have a name and you know, a car he was driving, like, that's kind of the context of what I had. But to say to kind of like this figment figment in my mind, like, I love you. Because if I'm going to try to love myself, I have to love all parts. And I have to love all parts of you, and all parts of the person next to me and all parts of my children, right? Like, it can't be so select. And that that experience of in my mind's eye, giving love to that person, that was the biggest game changer of all that. And that only happened, you know this accident happened like 21 years ago. But this experience that I'm sharing, now, that just happened in the last 10 years. So it had a long arc of, you know, walking the path along the way.

Melissa Ebken  12:05  
Well, if what you're talking about as the absolute core of the human experience, the goal of spirituality, the goal of being human, the goal of living and moving in this world, is what you just described, that standing that full self awareness of I stand here, flawed and imperfect, and beautiful the way I am living, therefore, I honor the same in you, right? Is there a higher spiritual principle?

Cole Berschback  12:41  
For me, yes. That is the highest right like that I can, I can see. Because to me, the only like nuance above that is to honor that that's from a gift from God. That, that I in my humaneness, if I can't connect to spirit, probably I'm never gonna get to a place where that's available. So to me, it's like a tiny layer that, you know, something more than that. But yeah, that's why it took a whole bunch of work and a lot of soul searching and, you know, many, many years of being willing to be super uncomfortable with it to get to a different place. 

Melissa Ebken  13:29  
So how do you help people that come to you? Where do you start?

Cole Berschback  13:34  
So as I mentioned, kind of in the beginning, for me, it all starts with the body, because one thing that is really present for me in pretty much every person that I work with is that, it this isn't down to the individual experiences is like more of a collective experience that then we all are kind of sharing in, which is that where the vast majority of us we have become like brains on a stick body, we've lost connectivity with our body, we've lost the signaling of what our body's trying to share and tell us and so much of our intelligence and the wholeness of who we are, is in the system, it's not only in the brain. So for the vast majority of people I start with, what are you doing to take care of your body? What does that look like for sleep, nutrition, exercise, posture? I mean, really getting serious about like, what is the body trying to share with you so that you can start to take advantage of living in a more fully aligned and integrated system because lots of cool stuff starts to emerge from there, right? You can, that's where the signals of I want something different or I might recognize a little bit of change in my purpose or a value that I really want to commit more to in my life. So for me, it all starts by getting re-integrated into the body. And for a lot of people that becomes the place where then the work takes lots of different turns because as the system integrates, there's kind of it's not like a clear like highway kind of path. But there's all of a sudden these kind of markers that people can start to walk toward that feel very much their own. Something I'm really committed to. I say this all the time, I'm like, make things as weird as possible. If it's true to you, who cares how weird it feels, or looks, or you know, the neighbors might think whatever, who cares? If you can start to walk on those trail markers that are actually yours, you're going in the right direction. So after the body, and after a little bit of mindset, focus training, that's usually it starts to kind of, you know, become more person to person specific. But most of the people I work with have young families. So how do they do that work, when little kids are running around, and the schedules filled to the brim, and all those things, so there's, you know, kind of that lifestyle management, and then the connection engagement piece, with your spouse and children and, you know, most important family members, that also is an important part of what's under the umbrella of the work that we do.

Melissa Ebken  16:11  
Ya know, I think I love the wisdom that it's a holistic view, because I have this core belief that if it is of what I who I call God, if it is of a holiness, if it is of universal love in source, then it's not going to undermine those most important other sources in our lives that build us up. Right? So when you talk about with the family, for the purpose of the family, for the love of the family, in the health of the family, that really got my attention in. So it's not fighting against that busy schedule, but it's using all of it for the benefit of everyone, if I'm understanding you correctly.

Cole Berschback  17:02  
Yes, yes, exactly. You know, one of my, one of my really closely held beliefs is that we are given the circumstances that we are for a purpose, if we chose family, there's going to be things that unfold in that family unit that are designed for you and something like a busy schedule, for instance, is that something that kind of like culturally and societal is happening, for sure. But what is that trying to tell us on a grander scale, right? And how do I go into that? Knowing that being in that is going to teach me something, and I'm going to start to get to make choices about whether or not that's awesome for us. And the very best of us is unfolding and kind of a fast paced lots going on kind of environment, because for some people that will be true, or is there something in that, that I'm experiencing resistance every single day, and I don't want to go to carpool or I don't want to go to the practice or whatever it is. And that's actually the information that we need to start to unpack whatever it is for us in the family unit. So you know, I think it's really easy to say, well, I want something different than that. Okay, well, it's there, and you have it. So how would you like to hold it and experience it and kind of peel back the layers on it in a way that actually help you, rather than just the thing that you're kind of like grinding against all the time, because that I get it, we get in kind of that hamster wheel, like we're just doing it. But if we can just like take like the one slightest step back, then we get to start to decide how do we want to show up in that? Engage with it? Do we like it? Do we not? Do we need to say no? Do we need to have a family discussion about? What does it look like on these busy nights for us? Like there's so many things that can happen if we're just willing to kind of, you know, pull back a dot from it and see it for what it is and then and then engage with it in a more meaningful and intentional way?

Melissa Ebken  18:55  
And what if somebody in the family loves and thrives on that? But someone else says no, I need to just be quiet. I need to not do that. How do you handle that difference?

Cole Berschback  19:11  
I live in one of those families. So I have a lot of firsthand experience with that. My husband is a goer and a doer and like he feels his fullest and happiest when he is on the move. And for me, I love that to an extent. But I definitely need like the retreat time and the restoration time or I'll feel exhausted quickly. And I think one of the first steps is to just have an open conversation about it. Right? Because if he sees my perspective, and he knows that I'm seeing his perspective, it's very easy for him to say, hey, it seems like maybe you need a few minutes like I got the dishes tonight. Or if I see him kind of like twiddling his fingers on the side and I know that what he wants is to kind of like move or take action. Hey, we have a quiet hour. That feels kind of good for us. Want to go hit some golf balls? Do you want to go out for a bike ride? Like, is there something that you know, like give the space for both of those things to happen. But I think where we get kind of tripped up is where the communication around those needs and interests kind of collapses. And we make assumptions about what our partner, or other people in our family want or need. And if we can just bring that back into conversation and be willing to just say, I see you here, and here's how I would really like to be seen, then we have a whole new chance to decide instead of just, like, try to rub against each other and have that friction point all the time.

Melissa Ebken  20:38  
And I live with introverts, I am an introvert. And I remember one particular evening, and this was still when it was getting dark pretty early. So it's easy to just retreat into individ cocoons. But I'm looking around, it wasn't even seven o'clock yet. And, you know, I've got my book, my husband's has his thing, and my son is engrossed, you know, with his chess board, and those are all fine, those are good things. But on the other hand, I got, you know, we need to connect. We need, these are all good things. But I think we're missing something. And I wanted us to connect. And so we did, and it was good. And we connected. And then, you know, later we went back to doing those things that we did, but you know, those moments come up where I just feel like, okay, we need to do something different. Yeah. Do you encounter that yourself? I mean, everybody's happy but somethings missing? 

Cole Berschback  21:54  
Yeah. Well, I always say that, you know, motherhood has like a very deep running river of guilt. Because its easy to, you know, always feel like there's more because there is right, there's never perfect is some weird thing out there that we're never actually going to experience. So I, you know, I think something that strikes me in terms of like the family dynamic, and tapping into those points of connection are number one, where are like the rituals of connection? Do we have family dinner on a certain night? Do we have a family board game that we like to play? Is there a certain like, question or conversation that's fun for us to have or touch base on. And so using those types of things to like, kind of keep the consistency of connection, super valuable. But the other part of that where like, there are those quieter moments, or maybe it is a gross rainy day, and actually what feels really delicious, is to sit down and watch a movie together. I think something that always strikes me is how do we show up in any of those moments, whether they're for two minutes or two hours? How do we show up in them as present? Because that's when we actually feel the connection, right? Because I think there's, for a lot of I'll just say for moms, I'm not a dad, I don't want to speak to the dad experience. But for a lot of moms, I think there's this pull of like, we always have to be doing more, and we always could do more. And that's true. But like is that more just happening and where our whole brain and self is like on the to do list or it's at a, you know, on a conversation that happened at work today. And that is felt. And that's I think, where we get in the kind of odd dynamic of like, I'm here, and I'm with you, but I'm not I don't feel connected, because I'm not present here. And so I think what, again, whether it's two minutes or two hours, like how much of the time can I actually be listening to what you say, present in my body, and, and not actually somewhere else. And that feels when we're present a lot more connected. And no matter what happens in our kids, like they feel that all the way, you know, right? When somebody's really listening to you or they're checking their watch, or they're scrolling their phone like that doesn't feel like connection, it feels like you're blowing by each other like out in the breeze. So I think, you know, it's easy to underestimate, but presence alone is a huge connection point that's worth it even if it's small.

Melissa Ebken  24:33  
Absolutely. So what would you like someone listening today to this podcast, what would you like them to do as a first step?

Cole Berschback  24:43  
As a first step, I would say if you're not feeling like you know your body and you're in your body, find somebody who can help you do that. Or if you have practices that you have historically liked and you can do, start there. How do you feel you your muscles move, how do you feel your breath when it comes in and out of your body, notice what happens to your mind when your body is in motion. Or, I mean, something as simple as stretching, it doesn't have to be like a 10 mile run, you know, there's all sorts of the spectrum there. Um, but part two that is then invite the family into that. Because a lot of the connectivity of our family happens in play, and presents, and our kids are the best at playing. And really, that's something that we can learn from them, then as our teacher is that playfulness, the bit willing to be kind of like weird in the body, right? A kid will be doing, like gymnastics off the couch, and you're like, what on earth is happening. But if we could meet them in that playfulness, and experience our own bodies in that way, as well, it's like a two for one, we're getting that movement, we're connecting to the sense of our body, and connecting with the people that we love most. And it's just, it's easy. It's very accessible. And so I think that would be kind of like, number one place to start is in the body with and then invite the kids in or your spouse in to experience that with you.

Melissa Ebken  26:13  
You know, it's really funny, you said that, because that was what was missing for us that night. I said, you know, we're all in the separate parts of the room. And I think we need to laugh. I think we need something, and I looked at my son, I said, hey, I know you have something. I know you have something that's silly and ridiculous. So out with it. He didn't disappoint. But yeah.

Cole Berschback  26:44  
That's excellent.

Melissa Ebken  26:47  
You know, I have my favorite silly things from when I was growing up, as did my husband. And and that was what we needed that night. So 

Cole Berschback  26:55  
that's awesome. Pretty beautiful way to connect.

Melissa Ebken  27:00  
Yeah, very cool. So Cole, thank you so much for taking the time to talk to us about these things today. That's a lot to think about. And usually the biggest truth in the biggest, greatest wisdom is usually something simple. Not always easy, but usually something simple. And you've given us a place to start share simply so that we can begin to do this work. 

Cole Berschback  27:25  
Awesome. I thank you so much for having me. It was fun. Oh, no, I just, I think, I think the last thing I would say is back to that Mother Teresa quote, If you want to change the world, go home and love your family. And that, to your point happens in really small, like, I'm here ways, not big grandiose. Got to change the world kind of vibes. And you know that that work? Gosh, we need a lot of that. And I think those are the kinds of connections and moments that literally will change the world. So yeah, even if it's a seeing something that you know, a kid did at, you know, with the sibling tonight. And you just want to recognize, hey, I saw that that was a really kind gesture, right? Like, there's just these super small. I'm here and I'm noticing I'm willing to be present with you ways that we share love and have our kids feel connected and like their whole as they are. And that's I think, you know, that's the stuff that is small but shifts everything. So to your point. Yeah, it doesn't have to be big, but the work is worth it. And now a whole bunch of really amazing stuff is available if you're willing to just give it a try. And as I said, get as weird as you want to get with it.

Melissa Ebken  28:46  
Love it. And friends the links to Cole's website and her book and all of the fun things she does there in the show notes and make sure you click on that and check it out. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. And her website is called Total Potential. Yeah, so sounds like something that would be neat to have right? Check it out. Yeah. Thanks. Cole. 

Cole Berschback  29:13  
Thank you, Melissa.

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