Episode 88: Pursuing Healthy Children After Divorce with Rosalind Sedacca

🎶 Podcast Intro: Welcome to the pursuing uncomfortable podcast, where we give you the encouragement you need to lean into the uncomfortable stuff life puts in front of you, so you can love your life. If you are ready to overcome all the yuck that keeps you up at night, you're in the right place. I am your host, Melissa Ebken let's get going. 🎶

🎶 Episode Intro:  On this episode of Pursuing Uncomfortable Rosalind Sedacca joins the podcast to discuss the importance of a healthy and child centered divorce. Rosalind tells her own experience and what led her to found  the Child Centered Divorce Network, advocating putting the children's wellbeing first. She discusses tools for successful co-parenting, communication strategies, and the potential challenges of blending families together.  While divorce or post-divorce experiences can be stressful, chaotic, and confusing parents have choices every step of the way to achieve harmonious co-parenting for the sake of their children's wellbeing. This episode highlights various resources and tools to help parents navigate these tricky times. Let's meet Rosalind. 🎶

Episode:
Melissa Ebken  0:00 
Rosalind Sedacca, welcome to the Pursuing Uncomfortable Podcast. How are you today?

Rosalind Sedacca  0:06 
I'm great. And thank you so much. I'm so excited to be with you today.

Melissa Ebken  0:11 
It's my pleasure, truly. So tell us where you're coming in from and what you do.

Rosalind Sedacca  0:17 
Well, I'm based in the West Palm Beach, Florida area. And I am founder of the Child Centered Divorce Network, a divorce and co-parenting coach. And my passion in life is to help parents before, during and long, long after divorce, to make the best decisions about their children, so their children don't pay the price for the divorce.

Melissa Ebken  0:42 
That is really important work that you do. And thank you for doing that. Because so much of what you I'm sure, share with folks isn't intuitive or a natural instinct. So having someone like you as a guide would be invaluable.

Rosalind Sedacca  0:58 
Yes, and, and there are so many ways that parents can avoid a lot of the stress and turmoil and chaos and confusion that you hear about. So often. You don't have to do what your your cousin did, or your neighbor did, or your friend did. And you could have a much more harmonious, cooperative, divorce and post divorce experience. And that's what I'm trying to help parents understand is there are choices every step of the way. And we want to keep mindful about our children through all of it.

Melissa Ebken  1:34 
Well, I'm guessing you must have some personal experience in this area.

Rosalind Sedacca  1:39 
Yes, my, my son was 11 when I got a divorce, and I was married for close to 20 years. And it was the toughest decision I made in my life. And I put it off for many years because I didn't want to mess my child up. And finally he was starting to show stress headaches and other symptoms of being around parents who were fighting too much. And there was tension in the air. And I realized that I was not doing him any favors. And so it was the hardest decision I ever made. But really the smartest. And we moved through the process of of divorcing and learning how to co parent. And there's you learn something new every day, year after year, because as you know, co parenting is a lifelong experience that doesn't end when the divorce ends, you just are starting that process. And one day out of the blue when my son was in his early 20s. He came to me and he said, you know ma, you and daddy did a really good job with the divorce. And I just want to thank you. And I, I said you're you're kidding. He said no, most of my friends whose parents divorced, either hate their parents or are very angry at them. And I think you and Daddy were great. And I just let out such a sigh of relief because you hold on to so much guilt about did I mess my child up? And how is this going to affect him long term. And that moment became the catalyst for my deciding that I had learned so much through the experience that there was a lot I could teach other people, a lot of mistakes I could help them avoid. And that's when I founded the Child Centered Divorce Network and became a divorce and co parenting coach and ultimately started writing several ebooks, ecourses and programs that people can access online. Even if they don't get personal coaching. They have information that will help them through all the facets and stages of divorce and co parenting.

Wow, that is an amazing story for a child to have acknowledged you like that. I know you must have done a lot well.

Yes, he even wrote the foreword to to my book on breaking the divorce news to children. So I'm very honored. And this this was an unexpected facet of my life. I wasn't planning on becoming a divorce coach. But it's something that I'm passionate about, as you can tell.

Melissa Ebken  4:10 
Absolutely. You know, you hit on something that struck me. You didn't want to get a divorce. But you saw that the stress headaches were present in your son. And that's such a difficult thing that I hear a lot of people talk about, they want to stay together for the kids. But then at some point staying together is not healthy for the kids. How do you find a balance and do the right thing in that situation?

Rosalind Sedacca  4:37 
Yeah, it's a huge challenge for many, many people. And ultimately, I believe and many other professionals believe that staying together for the sake of the kids is not in the kids best interest, especially if there's tension at home. And it doesn't have to be loud screaming, fighting. It can be the fact that the parents barely are speaking, or they're not on talking terms too often. Or this just tension that you could feel it in the air. If you're with unhappy parents, what kind of role models are they being for children, to encourage them to grow up, form mature, responsible relationships that are healthy, and go on to have children? And my own parents didn't divorce and should have. I had a very unhappy childhood. And they stayed together for the sake of the kids, which in that generation was what everyone did. And I suffered tremendously, because both of them would have been happier in in other relationships. They weren't bad people, but they were so badly married, it was a toxic marriage, and it was a toxic childhood. And so when I started realizing I was becoming my mom and then I was expecting my son was being exposed to the same sadness that I was exposed to, I realized I have to stop this now I can't continue. And I've never regretted that decision. And when I've spoken to him as an adult, and he said, Yeah, you and daddy are so different, you just don't belong together. And we both remarried ultimately, and are much happier in our other relationships.

Melissa Ebken  6:18 
So when is the right time for someone to reach out to you?

Rosalind Sedacca  6:22 
Well, the the wonderful news is, the sooner the better if I could get people just at the beginning when they're contemplating getting a divorce, or wondering whether to do it or have decided to, but they know that they want to protect their kids, I could help them just avoid so many mishaps and mistakes along the way to simplify the process. So you save a lot of money, because you're not getting into the hands of attorneys who are only interested in in billable hours, and who are not child centered. And you avoid a lot of the mistakes and conflicts that people make. There's a lot of things that you see too often that don't have to happen, because parents don't know any better. And so I shake them up. And unlike a lot of other divorce of coaches and professionals, while I do work individually with either mom or dad, very often I'll work with both of them together. And especially if I could get them early enough on, because I tell them that I I'm not siding with with mothers or fathers, I'm siding with the kids, the kids are always innocent. And if I can talk to them, and say if you take this path, this is the outcome is going to be this if you take that path, the outcome is going to be that. What is better for your children, if you really love your kids? Are you choosing to put them in in the way of experiencing conflict and tension and guilt and shame and all of these negative emotions? Or do you want to make give them a smooth pass to the best possible outcome so that they can go on with their childhood. And a lot of parents when they get that and understand that will choose the path that's smoother and more harmonious. And when you do what's best for your kids, you're also doing what's best for you too, as co parents, because co parenting isn't something that ends on any date. It's the rest of your lives. And so you you want to be there for all the happy occasions in your child's life, graduations and school events and sporting events. And hopefully ther'll be marriage and children and grandchildren and all those other things that we look forward to. You want your kids not to feel embarrassed or ashamed that oh, my parents are gonna be in the same room for two hours, what are we going to do about that or what is in common because the other one is there. That's abusive to your children. We as parents need to be as mature and responsible as we can be. And give our children the best of us so that they can have the best possible life and, and it starts with understanding, putting yourself in your children's shoes is a great way to start. Because if you could experience the world, as a five year old or nine year old or a 15 year old, it makes it a lot easier to avoid some of the things that you you may want to do, but you'll bite your tongue, or you'll choose differently because you really love your kids.

Melissa Ebken  9:28 
What are some of the behaviors that you'd like to help parents avoid?

Rosalind Sedacca  9:33 
Well, studies have shown and proven again and again, then fighting around kids, destroys children emotionally and psychologically. And that's children, whether you're married or not married, so intact, married families that if they're you're married and there's constant fighting around the kids, it harms them. It changes who they are, because they want to fix it. They want to make it right and of course we all know children don't have the ability to fix adult relationship issues if if they did, we would be able to fix them. And we wouldn't be in the messes that we create. So we don't want children to get involved. And we want to keep the tension and the stress away from them because they feel helpless and they're hurt. And children innately love both parents. So another huge mistake is, is putting down, bad mouthing either one of the other parents, to the children or around the children, even if you're on the phone or talking to a friend in the living room. If you're saying things about their other parent, it hurts them, it wounds them, it scars them, and it changes who they are again. And very often we are robbing our children of their childhood innocence because they become very protective. So another big mistake that parents make is confiding to your kids and saying, you know, none of this would be happening if your mother didn't have an affair, if your father wasn't an alcoholic, or whatever is going on. It sounds like it's justifiable, because it may be the truth. But for children, they can't digest and grasp what that means. And all they know is that they're worried about their parents. And once a child is in that position, they're now no longer children, they become the little parents, and they're trying to take care of you. So you never want your child to be your confidant. You never want them to be trying to fix fix your life, because that's the role you're supposed to be playing as a parent. And you you don't want your kids to be involved when when we get our children to become little messengers. It's so common, you know, tell Daddy, I'm going to pick it up two hours late on Friday night. Well, that message, may get forgotten, mixed up confused, or children will intentionally do something and not share it or mess it up. Because they have, they start taking sides. And they have judgments and opinions about things. It's much cleaner, if you use one of the co parenting scheduling tools, and other communication resources that are available, so that you can keep the kids from getting involved. There, there's a new tool called Co Parent Hub that sends phone messages to both parents at the same time so that they're both privy to any shifts and changes that are happening instantaneously. So you want to keep the kids out of the picture as much as possible so that they can enjoy their childhood. Childhood is tough enough, as we know, without having to be taking care of our parents and protecting them and fixing their relationships.

Melissa Ebken  12:52 
So what happens Rosalind, if one parent is on board trying to do the best they can at being a co parent and the other parent is not?

Rosalind Sedacca  13:03 
And that's very common, there's no doubt about it. We're, we're very lucky when we get two parents are on the same page. And fortunately, I do a lot of time but not always. So what what the parent who's more aware and mindful needs to do is learn the best communication skills they have, so that you're not putting the other parent on the defensive. So there's, there's little things like using communication tools so that if you can't talk on the phone without getting into a fight in in two minutes or five minutes, then you don't use those kinds of get on the phone, you put everything in writing so it's very clear. And everything is very analytical in that sense. You also want to use I language. So saying I'm feeling concerned about rather than pointing the finger and saying you did this, and I was very upset when you when you said that and when you did that, because immediately it puts the the other person on the defensive. And when either person is on the defensive, the communication gets marled, and suddenly you're into another ego battle. So you have to be very mindful of the way you you communicate. I also remind my clients to catch your, your co parent doing something right, even if it's something as simple as thanks for picking Johnny up an hour earlier. Be and it's like a pat on the back. It's saying every time I speak to you, it's not just about the way you messed up. You want to find ways of saying thanks for doing this. And then you could talk about some of the shifts and changes that you need to make, but find ways of acknowledging one another. It usually leads to the other partner, learning to say thanks too and being little a little more amenable. The goal is to be as cooperative as possible. And that's why when I speak to both parents together, I just remind them no matter what your parenting plan may say, and parenting plans can very structured and you do this on this time in this date, and this is very regimented. People get sick people have accidents, meetings happen at work, things change, there's, there's no way of predicting traffic jams and everything else. And so you want to be cooperative, you want to say, Hey, do me a favor, and I'll do you a favor in return. And when you have that kind of ability to communicate with one another, it makes life a lot simpler. On cases, when you have really toxic communication, then you have to basically be doing what they call parallel parenting, rather than co parenting, which means both parents are in their own universe, both parents are parenting separately. And you may have someone else, drop the kids off between so that the parents don't even have to see each other for a minute, you may have to have certain kinds of agreements about this is how we do and don't do do things and make it more regimented. And you have to trust that your children are being taken care of well, and your your experience with your children is is vitally important. As a parent, we know what our kids are like, and we could pick up and monitor what's going on. And take notes if you're concerned and worried about their well being, then take notes. On this date and this time, I noticed this or my child said that, and you're creating evidence to show that there may be something where the courts do have to get involved when when you need professionals to step in. So you want to be mindful of all of that. But you don't want to be micromanaging one another's lives. No one likes that. And you don't want your kids also to to be the ones who you're asking to tell mommy this, tell daddy that as in to do this and that for you. Because that that never works in anyone's favor.

Melissa Ebken  17:11 
Earlier, you mentioned the Co Parenting Hub that sends messages to both parents simultaneously. What other tools do you have?

Rosalind Sedacca  17:22 
Well, the the tools are really basically understanding who your co parent is. And I ask a lot of questions to both co parents to think about. Because the tools are using communication in the best possible ways. The scheduling tools are out there, like Our Family Wizard is one of them that's very well known. And there's many, many others now. And what they do is allow you to put all this information in in a way that people both parents can get it virtually. And so there there is no lack of information from moment to moment, you know exactly what's happening. And if there's an emergency, then you're going to get a text or a call or something that's going to monitor that for you. But it's very important to be able to do this together in in a way that you start trusting one another. Because if there's one other person on the planet that you can trust your child with, hopefully, it's that co parent that you know that when they're in that your co parents hands that they're being well taken care of, and you could relax and do what you're doing on your off time. If that's not so then you have to be very mindful about accountability and making sure that things are being handled without the kids feeling like they have to be caught in the middle and, and reporting back to either one of you because no child likes that. And your kids will hold you accountable when they're grown adults. So they no matter what you could tell them lies now and you can manipulate them into liking or hating the other parent and do anything when they're young. But when they're grown adults, they're going to say to you why did you say that? Why did you do that? Why didn't you do that? And really hold you accountable. So one of the first questions I ask new clients is, how do you think your kids are going to feel about the way you're handling the divorce when they're grown adults? How will they feel when they're grown adults about the way you you're handling this, this divorce? And if you think about that now in the early stages, when you could shift and and adapt, then you're much more likely to come up with more mature responsible decisions than just being out to get one another. There's another question that I like to have both parents answer and that is when there's a parenting decision that has to be made. Are you making the same decision you would have made if you were still married? Or are you shifting your answer? Because you want to get back at your ex? So if you would have said, sure, that's great. And now you're saying no, because you know, that's hurting your ex. That's not clear, pure parenting, that's, that's parenting, that's getting back. It taints everything you're doing. So the more you can both be on online with being the kind of parents that you your kids need, then the better off those kids are going to be. Because that's all they need is they just need good parenting. And studies have shown that children who are fortunate enough to have co parents who are more in aligned with the do's and the don'ts and and the parenting agreements, the kids are much less having much less difficulty adjusting post divorce. Because if if you ask your parents a question, and they say, well, I'll have to talk to daddy. And that used to be the case. And it's still the case, even after the divorce. Life this, pretty much still the same, the divorce isn't isn't as important because you're you're still talking to their father, and you're making a decision about summer camp or, or discipline or sleeping over a friend's house or whatever the issue is. And so the more you can keep yourself aligned and reminding yourselves the one thing we have in common is that we love these children. Despite the divorce, we still love our kids. And we want to parent our kids in the best possible way. They need the best of us. And the more you can get both of you to think about that the the easier it is for you, and much easier it is for the children.

Melissa Ebken  21:53 
It occurs to me that there are times for kids whose parents were never married, or whose parents don't have the relationship together when the child is born, they are already in a relationship with someone else. In those situations, these tools are also relevant, because those parents are co parents from day one.

Rosalind Sedacca  22:17 
Exactly, totally relevant. And also when you move into blended families, you know more and more people after divorce. They they there's a time when people start dating again and looking for other relationships, whether they marry or just get into a relationship. And it's very important to be mindful the fact that the odds are fairly high that you may meet someone who has children who's divorced and has children, or wants to marry you and and blend the families together. And this is very, very challenging, it's not an easy thing to do. But if you keep the same mindset that we've been talking about, it makes it easier because you're you're respecting your children. You're listening to your children, and your your parenting your child, you're not expecting your new partner, to be a disciplinarian, to parent the child. Even if if you have a blended family, you have to be mindful of the fact that kids react differently to the parent they they've had their whole life versus a new person who comes into the picture. So there's a lot for parents to learn in the dating arena. And then the blended family arena. But the more you could say, I'm going to talk to your dad about this, and make and make decisions after that. Or I'm going to talk to mom and we'll get back to you. That gives children a sense of security, that some facet of life is still normal, the way it was, the way it will be. And they don't feel as stressed by the shifts and the changes in their life because the most important thing is that their parents are still parenting them.

Melissa Ebken  24:04 
Rosalind the link to your website, childcentereddivorce.com is in the show notes. Is that the best way to get a hold of you? If someone is listening today and feels like they could benefit from speaking with you or connecting with you somehow, is the website a good place to start?

Rosalind Sedacca  24:24 
Yes, childcentereddivorce.com has everything you need to find me. There's a free ebook right on the homepage. And I have lots of blog articles and videos shows that that parents can watch and listen to and read. And I have ebooks and ecourses and programs on the breaking the divorce news to kids, anger management for co parents, moving on in dating after divorce and all the other related topics and especially co parenting success strategies because that's the most important part of all.

Melissa Ebken  25:03 
Rosalind, thank you for joining us today. This work that you do is so vital to our families and our kids. I really appreciate that you are intentionally doing this work to benefit our families and our children. What final words do you have for us today?

Rosalind Sedacca  25:21 
Thank you. Thank you so much for inviting me. And, um, yes, I do. I just want to remind everyone, that, as parents, we are role models for our children. And it's not what we say it's what we do. It's decisions we make and how we we do that and how we talk to them, that that they are learning from and, and monitoring every every decision that we're making. So if we can remind ourselves that we are role models, it'll keep us from falling off course and making decisions that we later regret. And one more thing, it's okay to admit, I made a mistake and apologize to your children because as role models, they can learn that people make mistakes. And if we own them and apologize, life will go on okay. So that's a healthy thing to do. And if there's something that we spoke about today, and you say, Gee, I wish I hadn't said that or done that. It's never too late. And that's the good news.

Melissa Ebken  26:26 
Rosalind thank you so much.

Rosalind Sedacca  26:29 
Thank you. I really appreciate it.

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