Episode 98: Pursuing Healthy Boundaries with Sheryl Green

🎶 Podcast Intro: Welcome to the pursuing uncomfortable podcast, where we give you the encouragement you need to lean into the uncomfortable stuff life puts in front of you, so you can love your life. If you are ready to overcome all the yuck that keeps you up at night, you're in the right place. I am your host, Melissa Ebken let's get going. 🎶

🎶 Episode Intro:  Welcome back to Pursuing Uncomfortable, the podcast where we dive deep into challenging topics to fuel personal growth and self-discovery. In today's episode I welcome Sheryl Greene, who shares her journey towards establishing healthy boundaries in her life. From struggling to find her path to discovering her talent for writing, Sheryl's story is the one of resilience and self discovery. We explore the importance of recognizing physical cues, such as the sigh-you'll want to catch that one. It's a sign of setting boundaries and how saying no is a complete sentence, but often easier said than done, right? Sheryl will also give us valuable insights into her experience in forensic psychology the power of giving in her pursuit of personal and professional growth. Get ready for an insightful and thought provoking conversation about boundaries, self-worth, and the transformative impact it can have on our lives. 🎶

Episode: 
Melissa Ebken  0:07  
Sheryl, welcome to the Pursuing Uncomfortable Podcast. How are you today?

Sheryl Green  0:12  
I'm good. Thank you so much for having me on. 

Melissa Ebken  0:15  
My pleasure. So Sheryl, where are you joining us from?

Sheryl Green  0:19  
I am in sunny and on fire Las Vegas today.

Melissa Ebken  0:24  
Oh my. Yes, it is in July, well, late middle July and right now it is hot out there. I don't even want to know what the temperature is. 

Sheryl Green  0:35  
It's 100 and stupid. That's all we go with. 100 and stupid.

Melissa Ebken  0:39  
Yeah, I think that's apt for anything over that. So many blessings on your air conditioner. 

Sheryl Green  0:48  
It's hanging in there. 

Melissa Ebken  0:49  
Thank God, I hope it continues to. So Sheryl, what do you do? Tell us a little bit about yourself. 

Sheryl Green  0:57  
Yeah, so I'm a mental health keynote speaker and an author. I've done six books, so far written six of my own. And then I do some ghost writing for others. And I'm also a huge animal advocate. I spent about 12 years doing Animal Rescue. And now I'm kind of on this fringe while I build up my business but I'm always going to provide a voice for those who can't speak.

Melissa Ebken  1:21  
That is amazing. We need you in this world. Thank you for doing that work. So how did you get involved in this? Did you always want to be a therapist? Did it just happen?

Sheryl Green  1:33  
You know, so I actually have a master's degree in forensic psychology. So I never wanted to be a therapist. I never wanted to be a counselor. I wanted to catch serial killers. Yeah. And that didn't work out. And I think that's probably for the best. But along the way, and along my own personal journey, I've realized how important personal development is. And I used the the tools that I learned in my education. And I actually did work for a mental health facility for about two years as a what was I? Oh, I was working with the severely mentally ill. So I was a a worker with them. And you know, just realized, people joke that you go into psychology to figure out what's wrong with yourself. It's true.

Melissa Ebken  2:31  
You know, that's true of ministry as well, having been a pastor for 25 years. You know, I needed that space to explore spirituality and faith for myself. So yeah, I think that's true for most of us and most of our vocations.

Sheryl Green  2:46  
Um, but it worked out well. And now I get to help other people. I'm not a therapist. So I do want to want to throw that out there. But using my skills, using my experience, and helping people, how I can.

Melissa Ebken  3:02  
What was your biggest win? What was your biggest, I want to keep doing this moment when you were working with the mentally ill?

Sheryl Green  3:15  
So actually, I took a different spin with my clients, I had some of the young adult clients, and the police, they worked kind of the M.O. was, let's remind them what's wrong with them. Let's remind them what their symptoms are. And let's just keep talking about it until miraculously they get better. P.S. that does not work. But I again, being a huge animal person, I asked my boss, can I take the clients to volunteer. And, of course, had to get all sorts of approvals. But I took a group of about five young adults to the local animal shelter, once a week. And it was amazing. It was like the I'm not saying the mental illness went away. Of course, that's pervasive, it's there. It's not going anywhere. But for an hour at a time, it wasn't their main focus. It wasn't like poor me, there's something wrong with me. There was I get to help somebody else. I get to make them feel good. I get to have a purpose. And it was cool because their behavior improved while we were there. But it also improved when we were back at the facility because they had to have certain qualifications to go on these outings. And it was just really cool to see that giving of yourself and this the big point that I make in the newest book, giving of yourself, it changes changes your life. It changes the world and it changes your life.

Melissa Ebken  5:00  
For sure, there are some powerful servants in that statement alone. But when we change the focus, absolutely. Good things can come from that. So how did you get from forensic psychology to where you are today?

Sheryl Green  5:19  
Yeah, it's been a journey. So I never worked in forensic psychology. I applied for the FBI, I wanted to to be a profiler, and I applied for an intelligence analyst position. And if I'm being honest, I failed the polygraph. They actually had me come back and take it more than once, because I spiked on one particular question. So I may or may not be a terrorist.

Melissa Ebken  5:48  
Well, there you have it, folks. You heard it here first. 

Sheryl Green  5:50  
I didn't think so. But I literally spiked on the same question twice. So um, I did you know, a bunch of other jobs. In the meantime, while I was trying to figure out my path in life. And then I got divorced. I was living in North Carolina, and my ex did a very, very, very, very bad thing. And I picked up my, my clothes, and my dog, and I headed out to Las Vegas to kind of recuperate at my parents house. And I took a writing class. It had been something that I you know, I was always kind of good at it, but never really tried too hard. Or tried too much. And I took this writing class, and I figured I might as well use the forensic psychology for something. So I started writing mystery novels. And they were funny, serial killer novels, because I can't do anything and not that's painful. And, 

Melissa Ebken  6:57  
you know, that's a nice break from the dark serial killer novels.

Sheryl Green  7:00  
Oh, yeah. No, these, they're, they're really quite funny. I mean, they're, they're dark, and they're a little sick. And you might wonder what's wrong with my head. But but they're funny um, the whole time. So I actually wrote three novels, and then just decided, don't want to do it. I don't want to be a writer, I'm done, just kind of threw in the keyboard. And I did a bunch of other stuff. Worked at the mental health facility. And then, a few years later, I decided that I wanted to be a professional speaker. I had gone through Toastmasters and just absolutely loved speaking in front of people going from complete and utter fear and dread to loving it. And people said to me, well, you know what, if you're going to be a speaker, you have to have you have to book. And while everybody else was panicking, I was like, well, that I can do. There you go. So I ended up reading my first nonfiction book, which was Surviving To Thriving, which is over my head. And from there, I kept switching topics, you know, what's finding my niche and finding what I was passionate about. And I finally found it with the last one. 

Melissa Ebken  7:12  
So tell us what this last one is, what are you passionate about?

Sheryl Green  8:22  
First, I have to point out my earrings, because I got these on Etsy, and you can have your book made into an earring and I'm fascinated with this. So I just thought, um, guys, thank you. So this book is called You Had Me At No; How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships and Save Your Sanity. And it took me a while to realize that all of my problems in life were kind of rooted in the fact that I had horribly unhealthy boundaries. And just did not, did not see those modeled well as a child. Did not, they certainly don't teach you that in school. And got to the point where I was literally suicidal, and, you know, just could not handle life anymore. And sat back and think, thought what is going on, and realized it was boundaries. And it started off a a really amazing journey, where I read everything, spoke to everyone I could. I interviewed therapists, I just talked to everybody I could possibly do a talk to and came up with, you know, this own journey for me and realized that I needed to share it with others. 

Melissa Ebken  9:51  
How did you begin to use those principles that you write about in your own life?

Sheryl Green  9:55  
Boy, does it take practice. There is is, it's it's a lot, that's all I can say it's a lot. You don't realize, and a lot of, let me put it this way. A lot of times you don't realize until after the fact that your boundaries have been breached; that you've failed to set a boundary properly or uphold it. And a lot of this work has been looking backwards and seeing what happened. How did I feel about it? What you know, what was the outcome? What could I have done differently, and what would have completely changed the course of the relationship or the the task, whatever it may be? So I would say a lot of this is done, kind of looking in the rearview mirror, and then are realizing, going forward in the moments. Wait a second, like, danger Will Robinson I've been here before, you know, this is a blip in the matrix like, you know, this, this kind of a warning system going off like, dealt with this before, not going to make the same mistake.

Melissa Ebken  11:08  
So it's just a matter of evaluating what has happened, then maybe rehearsing what you would do in the future situations. And then in the moment, having the wherewithal to realize it's happening and put into practice what you've rehearsed. Is that what I hear you saying?

Sheryl Green  11:26  
That's a pretty good recap, I will say a friend of mine was going through Weight Watchers program. And her Weight Watchers leader said to her, so you have to pay attention for your sigh. And apparently, there's this sigh that when you're done eating, or when you should be done eating, you let out a sigh. And that's your body's way of telling you, okay, we're good, we're satisfied, like put the fork down. And my friend like laughed at her leader and said, I don't have that. And a few days later, she sighed, and she caught it and went, oh, my God, I have my sigh. She is telling me this story and of course, I'm laughing at her and going, I don't have a sigh. And a few days later on eating, I'm like ah. That's my sigh, I found it. I ignore it most of the time, but I found it. But I realized that we have a sigh in eating. But we also have a sigh in boundaries. And it may be different for some people than others. It may be or you know, your your breath catching, may feel like a weight in your chest or or in your heart, or in your stomach. It may feel like just dread. And there's so many things that it can be. But when you figure out what that is, you know, I had somebody that every time she texted me, I looked at my phone. And I was like, whoa, I love this person. What am I doing? And I realized it was because I had failed to set boundaries properly. And every single time she texted me was just a reminder and was just another, you know, outlandish request. Um, so recognizing your sigh, whatever that is, and that's another thing looking backwards. Like oh, man, you know what, I did have a stomachache when that person was was asking me to do something like ah, um, so our bodies know. 

Melissa Ebken  13:38  
That's amazing. Now I'm really looking forward to lunchtime when I eat and I'm gonna see if I have a sigh.

Sheryl Green  13:47  
And just wait.

Melissa Ebken  13:51  
So can you give us another example of how we can incorporate these things? Is there a specific process we can use to put into practice what we've rehearsed? 

Sheryl Green  14:03  
Yes, so I I like to call I'm sorry, my dog is like head on my lap and whining. So if you hear whimpering noises, it's not me. 

Melissa Ebken  14:13  
Nice. So lets have a picture of the dog for everyone that's on YouTube. We would love to see what your dog looks like. Okay. Wow, so precious. All right, friends, if you're listening to the podcast, thank you, you get a chance you might want to pop over on YouTube and catch an adorable shot of this dog.

Sheryl Green  14:33  
He's white and fluffy and just a heart with feet. He's so sweet. Um, so what? Okay, so yeah, I if you've ever been like a fan of a big music person, you probably know The Clash. And right, everybody's like, yeah, of course. So I kind of borrowed one of their songs to create The Clash Question. And it's "Should I Yay? Or should I No?"

Melissa Ebken  15:05  
Should I stay or should I go?

Sheryl Green  15:09  
You know, so often we are faced with opportunities. And I call them times sucks in sheep's clothing. Because it sounds like such a great thing like, oh, I have this, this opportunity to take a class, to help somebody, to do something, to get a new job starting a project, whatever it might be. And we don't we don't know how to make an intentional decision. We just know how to blurt out, yes, of course, I'll help you, what do you need? Anything? Here's the shirt off my back, my free weekend and my savings account. You know, we just spit this out. And The Clash Question is really to slow you down for a minute. And it's three points. It's do you have the resources to do something? Do you want to slash have to do something? And are you willing to give something else up? Um, so do you want to or have to? For a lot of people we're like, I have to I have to do all the things. And of course we don't. You know, so it's looking at do I actually have to do something like taking care of a child or an elderly parent that really it is your responsibility to do something? Um, are you going to lose a project to clients, a job that if you don't do something, that's have to. And you want to. 

Melissa Ebken  16:44  
So I think maybe your biggest passion in life. Like, I don't know that I could live well, if I don't do this.

Sheryl Green  16:54  
Absolutely. And does it move you towards your goals? You know, whatever your goal happens to be like, is doing it? Is taking the opportunity going to move you in that direction? Or is it going to send you off course? Um, so that's what to have to? Do you have the resources? I have time. We all think we have way more time than we actually have. And bandwidth. You know, we're like, well, yeah, we can absolutely help, we can totally help you with your project before we start our own. Um, you need to make sure that you have the time, the financial resources, the mental and the emotional bandwidth to handle something. Because if you don't, and you say yes, anyway, you're gonna let people down, you're gonna get into more trouble at work, because now you're promising things that you can't deliver on. And there's so many negative outcomes that wouldn't have happened if you're just like, you know what, I don't actually have the bandwidth for this. I don't actually have this ability right now. And then that third one is giving something else up. And I people don't really think about that one right away. But we do have a limited amount of time, both during the day and on this planet. And if you choose to do something, that's great. But chances are it's taking the time of something else that you wanted to do or needed to do. And so what are you willing to give up?

Melissa Ebken  18:28  
I love that third question, such an important one. Time isn't created out of nothing. We prioritize what's important to us. Yes. Yeah. That's amazing. 

Sheryl Green  18:42  
Yeah. So if the answer to all of those things is yes, then the answer to your Clash Question is yay.

Melissa Ebken  18:51  
I think we often fall into a trap of thinking we have to respond in the moment, and just developing a habit of wow, that sounds really compelling. Let me think about that, and get back with you. When do you need an answer?

Sheryl Green  19:05  
Yeah, take the pause. Yeah, take the pause and take the time.

Melissa Ebken  19:11  
So are all of these outlined in your book?

Sheryl Green  19:14  
They are. They are. Yeah, I wanted to I really wanted to break things down in a couple of different ways. One you hear very frequently it's like a rallying call these days you need better boundaries. But if you don't know what boundaries are, and you don't know that you have the right to them. Well, that's what did that? That doesn't help you. I my favorite slash least favorite saying is no is a complete sentence. And I love it, because ya no is a complete sentence, but I hate it because it doesn't actually touch on the fact that there are a lot of people out there'll, me included for most of my life that don't believe you have the right to say no. So without having that inherent knowledge and that that self esteem and that self worth, that you get to say no, you get to say that does not work for me. Without that, that's just a really frustrating Instagram quote.

Melissa Ebken  20:26  
Absolutely. And I think another point of growth is that we can say no, and we don't have to prove why no is true. You can just simply say no, and let our no be a no.

Sheryl Green  20:37  
Yes, absolutely.

Melissa Ebken  20:41  
The book came out last month in August, so it's available for all the listeners, the link is in the show notes. I hope you click on that and check it out. And check out Sheryl's website and maybe some of her other books. So Sheryl, before we conclude here, what else would you like to leave a listener with today?

Sheryl Green  21:06  
Well, I always have to do the Bob Barker thing. Please spay and neuter your pets, control pet overpopulation. But really, I you know, that's the fuzzy guy that was sitting on my lap for a minute. He's a rescue. And just please consider if you're looking for a new animal, new pet, new family member in your life, please consider adopting. There's a lot of very loving very wonderful animals in the shelter and they need homes. And when you buy a book, a percentage of the proceeds goes to local animal welfare rescue local rescue organizations here in Las Vegas. 

Melissa Ebken  21:50  
Beautifully said. Sheryl, thank you for taking the time to talk to us today.

Sheryl Green  21:55  
Thank you

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