Pursuing Bella Santini with Angela Legh

🎶 Podcast Intro: Welcome to the pursuing uncomfortable podcast, where we give you the encouragement you need to lean into the uncomfortable stuff life puts in front of you, so you can love your life. If you are ready to overcome all the yuck that keeps you up at night, you're in the right place. I am your host, Melissa Ebken let's get going. 🎶

🎶 Episode Intro:  Welcome to another episode of pursuing uncomfortable. In today's episode, we are joined by Angela Legh, a children's author who has created something truly special with her Bella Santini Chronicles. Angela's books are designed to help children navigate emotional challenges like bullying and abandonment, empowering them with the tools to overcome and thrive. But before diving into her fascinating work, Angela shares her own personal journey of growth and transformation from a difficult upbringing to finding her own path of healing. Angela's story will inspire and captivate you so get ready to explore the power of emotional maturity and the impact it can have on our lives. Let's jump right in. 🎶

Episode:
Melissa Ebken  0:24  
Angela, welcome to the Pursuing Uncomfortable Podcast. How are you today?

Angela Legh  0:29  
So good. Thank you so much for allowing me to come on as your guest. 

Melissa Ebken  0:35  
The pleasure is all mine. And hopefully for the listeners too, because you have a fascinating story and a whole lot to share. It's just a lot of fun. And I can't wait to dig right into it. So why don't we

Angela Legh  0:47  
I know we're gonna have fun in this conversation.

Melissa Ebken  0:50  
Absolutely. Tell us a little bit about yourself and what you do. 

Angela Legh  0:55  
Well, my name is Angela Legh, and I am a children's author, I write the Bella Santini Chronicles. It's a set of children's books that are designed to really help children know how to deal with emotional things in this world. So bullying or abandonment, these kinds of things can scar people and with the tools in my children's books, kids might be able to not be scarred.

Melissa Ebken  1:33  
Wow, that is fantastic. And let's be honest, the last few years, there's a whole lot that has contributed to that potential for emotional difficulties for kids and for adults. Is that 

Angela Legh  1:48  
Right, I mean, if, if you have ever been triggered by someone's words, or behavior, the tools in my books can help you.

Melissa Ebken  1:59  
For sure, and I don't know about other folks. But I learn a lot from reading with my kids. Whenever something quote unquote, I'm using my air quotes here for kids, I generally learn a whole lot from it myself. So

Angela Legh  2:16  
I have had women as old as in their 80s say they learned from my books. And I've had 11 year old boys put down electronics to have their parents read my books to them. So it's timeless information I guess.

Melissa Ebken  2:35  
Absolutely and we're never too old to learn something new, and we're never too mature to become more mature in our emotions.

Angela Legh  2:42  
True. And I like that you're talking about emotional maturity, as opposed to control. Because the idea that we have to control our emotions, leads to repression, which is not good.

Melissa Ebken  2:58  
Absolutely. Well, before we dive into your children's books, and all about those, a life wasn't always this way for you, you have a different life before this. Care to share? 

Angela Legh  3:11  
Yeah, so, oh my gosh, I'll start at birth I guess. Because I was born in the mid 60s in San Francisco, and our apartment, looked out on Golden Gate Park. So I was witness to the summer of love as a very young child. And I think that those ideas of love not war, tolerance of individuals were kind of embedded in me at that time. And but even though I had this, you know, beautiful situation outside my house, inside was difficult. My father was an alcoholic, and he was abusive. And is, you know, I could tell stories that would raise your hair on end but I don't see the point of that because, you know, hurt people hurt people. And so, the reason he was an alcoholic is that he was trying to escape the feelings of being not enough. He had been born a sensitive young man in 1925. And in those days, you know, men were tough and rough and you couldn't have sensitivity. So his father rejected him or his sensitivity and tried to kind of beat it out of him. My father drank to get away from those feelings. of inadequacy, but his behavior when drunk, caused him to be not a good father. So his escape method just perpetrated, just extended his feelings.

Melissa Ebken  5:17  
And the reality is we pass on what we know, good, bad otherwise, and until absolutely we heal, we're going to keep teaching those traits. So healing ourselves not only heals ourselves, but also the generations that come from us. And after us.

Angela Legh  5:36  
Absolutely, I say most parents parent either exactly how their parents did, or in the exact opposite way, because they were somehow harmed by what their parents did. And both ends of the spectrum are not the ideal, the ideal way for kids to be brought up. I tell parents, that the model of emotional coping they teach their children is how their children will grow up and, and follow. And so if we can, through my books or whatever other books out there that do it, provide kids with the tools that allow them to truly face and be with their emotions, without having the emotions grab hold and grab control, then they have the ability to thrive in life.

Melissa Ebken  6:44  
So how did you learn a new way?

Angela Legh  6:50  
It's funny, because I was on a podcast this morning, they're like, well, you're not a psychologist, and you're not you're not a teacher, how did that? Well, I say that 54 years of receipt of bullying, whether it was my father or my ex husband taught me some deep truths about how hurt people hurt people. And I became aware that it is the story of our circumstance that causes the emotion to linger, ultimately. So when we can disconnect our mind from the story of our circumstance, and focus only on the feeling, then we actually the feeling will flow because that story kind of stops, it causes the feeling to get stuck. I like to say that emotions are energy. They're magnetic energy. And thoughts are energy. They're electro energy. So when you put electro magnetic together, guess what? It's really super sticky. Okay, so what I teach us to feel, name and allow an emotion. And it's really about that focus of attention, staying on the emotion, so that your mind is so focused on the feeling that it's not thinking he did that. I don't want to feel this way. And all those other things, stories that keep us wound up in the feeling. 

Melissa Ebken  8:45  
Now, did you have a moment to when something clicked inside you and said, I don't want more of this? I want a better way. And if so, yeah, you don't have to share the details about unless you want to, but would you share with us what the difference was in that moment? What was your mindset? What happened internally to shift that?

Angela Legh  9:10  
So I was kind of a professional victim. Victim on my father, victim on my employer, victim of my ex husband. And this seminal event happened in my life. It was a wildfire in Northern California, that destroyed 5000 homes in my community. And the well yeah, and mine. But the outcome of it was that I went into this dark night of the soul and I started questioning. Is this a life that I want to live? I'm miserable in this life. Or do I want to keep doing this? So within six months, I left the marriage, and I quit my government job, and then moved across the ocean to England and started writing fairy tales. So I don't know how many people can say a wildfire can change their life for the better. But I am one who can say. 

Melissa Ebken  10:22  
Yeah, and clearly there was an internal shift there that just said, I am worth more. And I'm going to give it 

Angela Legh  10:31  
Oh, boy, it that is yeah. Because I was miserable. Because I had allowed my former husband to be critical of me to say and disrespect and do the things that he did. And I never drew a boundary line and said, I'm better than this. I don't, I don't deserve this. And that's because of my childhood injuries. The things that I took away from my relationship with my father. And I realized, I think two months after I left my marriage, that was the first time I put myself first in my life.

Melissa Ebken  11:25  
So tell us about Bella Santini.

Angela Legh  11:29  
Bella Santini is the main character of my books, The Bella Santini Chronicles. And the story tracks her as she finds out who she really is, because at the beginning of the story, she is masked, she is glamoured, to be a human. And as she goes through the different trials and tribulations, her story begins to unfold. So by the third book, she knows that she is the crown princess of the Fae World. And there's a whole lot of what goes into that. 

Melissa Ebken  12:10  
Oh, for sure. And don't give away everything that's in your book. Absolutely not. 

Angela Legh  12:15  
No, but no, it's pretty clear, though. Because book one and book two start with Bella Santini. Book Three is called Princess Bella. That's no secret. Yeah. 

Melissa Ebken  12:29  
How many books are in the series?

Angela Legh  12:32  
Well, there's three published, the number four is in the process. It's like edited, and I have the illustrations. So it's likely that it'll be published by the end of this year. And book five is three quarters written. And I've been saying that for like, a year and a half now, I gotta get it done.

Melissa Ebken  13:02  
It's hard, isn't it?

Angela Legh  13:05  
Well, I was asked this morning, how do you take these big concepts and make them understandable for kids? And I said, you know, it's not that I do any of that. I sit down, and the story pops into my head, and I write. And so I think the last year and a half has been really about me getting the word out, establishing my brand and making sure people understand why it's so important for their kids to know how to deal with emotions.

Melissa Ebken  13:52  
Is it fair to say that Bella Santini is your alter ego?

Angela Legh  14:02  
I knew that question was someday going to be asked. Yes, she can be an allegory for me because as I, as I wrote the books, I was discovering who I really am. Yeah, that could be

Melissa Ebken  14:21  
Or is it fair to say that she is the child you wish you could have been?

Angela Legh  14:29  
Hmm. I don't think that that's the case. I think it's fair to say that she's every child. Because, you know, what happens in this world is children take in information from parents, or teachers or religious leaders, and all these influencers. They talk about how the world is, but they're talking about how the world is through their life experience and their vision. And so it's not necessarily how the world is, it's how they see the world. And but children don't have the filters to say, I'm going to take that, but not that, because that strikes me as real and that one doesn't. So giving them these tools, including an ability to question and look at things and understand. There's a saying, in the Talmud, we do not see the world as it is, we see it as we are. And that's a pretty profound statement. But when we apply that to the people who told us how the world is, and we understand that they're only seeing it as they, through the filters, and the perceptions that they're looking through, then, you know, their life is, is never going to be the same as our life. And so we don't have to follow that path. We don't have to necessarily take, like, my grandfather's or my grandmother's idea that you have to save everything because the depression happened when she was raising kids. And, and, you know, in her mind, you, you had to hold on to everything, because it's going to go away. And that is a role model, a world model I don't have to keep. 

Melissa Ebken  16:45  
And one of the more nuanced and difficult aspects of parenting in, in my experience, and in my opinion, is helping kids find their own eyesight, or their own way to view the world, but also to give texture to it to give understanding to it vocabulary, and flexibility. That, okay, I see the world but the world is changeable. My understanding is changeable. There's a flexibility there, but also balancing flexibility with foundations. And they're so nuanced.

Angela Legh  17:32  
Yeah, I'm so telling our children, that they always have choice is a huge lesson. Because the reality is in the world, we do always have choice. When I was in that toxic marriage and being screamed at by my husband, I had the choice to get up and leave. I had the choice to stay there. And I chose to stay there. Because I could not well, I was so entrenched in putting other people first that I did not wish to hurt him and me leaving would hurt him. So I thought that wasn't even a choice. It wasn't an option. And how many of us hold ourselves back from what we really want because we have these false options or false choices. We think this isn't a choice, when it really is.

Melissa Ebken  18:40  
And often not choosing is a choice. 

Angela Legh  18:44  
Totally a choice. Yeah.

Melissa Ebken  18:45  
Yeah, it's interesting, because kids have access to so much information and so much influence. It's not just information they have access to, but it's people's influence on that information. That is particularly problematic. Let's just say and yeah, having the, the tools to understand for oneself, well, they said it, but it doesn't mean it's necessarily true. Does it pass my internal filters of values of what I experience in this world and what I know to be true, and having people that they have identified as safe people that will tell them the truth and give them theories to find their own truth. I mean, goodness gracious, we're in this postmodern world where everything is defined and understood by one's perspective. Teaching a child to have a perspective to recognize and honor the person lives of others, but then to ultimately choose one's own. That's a rough task.

Angela Legh  20:08  
It's a, that is a gift that we can give our children. And the way I see it is, if you start young, and you offer them the opportunity to choose, it's, it's, you know, nine o'clock bedtime. Do you want to read a book for 10 minutes or do you want to talk for 10 minutes, the nine o'clock bedtime is non negotiable, but how the next 10 minutes isn't negotiable, and they have a choice. And so giving them the opportunity to choose is a powerful thing that helps them come to inner knowing that this is what I want. And self awareness is a huge aspect of that, when we know who we are, what we want, what our desires are, and then we can really go out in the world and try to achieve that.

Melissa Ebken  21:23  
And giving our kids the space to ask questions to try out different points of view, to try out absolutely different emotions.

Angela Legh  21:33  
Yeah, and as a parent, don't, a parent made fear, if a child is exploring a different idea, like, well, my son was reading these big thick books on hallucinogenic drugs. I was totally afraid of where he was gonna go with that. And, you know, he did explore. And fortunately, he decided that those weren't the avenue for him. So I understand that there can be an undercurrent of fear if a child is exploring an area where you don't want them to go into. But you know, there's the old question of like, what's the purpose of life. And I, in my experience, in my learnings, I've come to the understanding that the purpose of life exists is to experience our souls come to this earth to be born to experience and souls do not quantify good or bad. So being abused as a child is an experience for the soul to gain some deeper understandings and some learning. And so for a parent its almost like, okay, who is this child? Is this child strong enough in their inner core that I can trust them to explore this arena without making poor decisions? And even having the curiosity to ask the kind of questions like, are you willing to talk to me before you make any decisions about this? Are you willing to have a discussion about this can can it help set the stage for the child to explore without making those poor decisions?

Melissa Ebken  23:58  
For whomever is interested, and I know it's gonna be a lot of people that are listening. There's a link in the show notes to the Bella Santini books, I encourage you to check them out. Again, they're not just for kids. Kids might be your excuse to buy them but there's information there that's helpful for everyone. Angela, what would you like to leave us with today? What parting thoughts or encouragement would you like to share?

Angela Legh  24:24  
I would like to say that, you know, one of the things that I always say is give yourself grace. We live in a world where nobody taught us about emotions. We weren't told that they're not negative or positive. They're just feelings. And it's our reaction to them that can bring on negative or positive and we haven't been told that there are these really great tools out there that you can use to get through those feelings like breathwork or EFT tapping or there's just this whole variety of emotional management tools and we don't have to run away from feeling that that repression or pushing away a feeling is going to come back and harm you in the long run. So it's really better to learn how to face your feelings.

Melissa Ebken  25:38  
Beautifully said. Thank you, Angela.

Angela Legh  25:42  
Aw, thank you.

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